


I felt so much then nothing at all

by Absurd_Life_of_mine



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Depression, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-23
Updated: 2020-02-23
Packaged: 2021-02-27 23:41:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,293
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22864195
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Absurd_Life_of_mine/pseuds/Absurd_Life_of_mine
Summary: Depression appeared as another dark side. All in black. He took Virgil, Remus and Deceit under control.Don't you feel like depression does that sometimes? Uses your fears and believes against you? Makes you see yourself as disgusting...Makes you do things that are considered...unhealthyOf course, the Light Sides have no idea that he appeared. Because depression is just like that...It plays with the darkest parts of our souls but it stays unnoticed for long enough so we can blame our problems on everything but it.
Relationships: Anxiety | Virgil Sanders/Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders
Kudos: 29





	I felt so much then nothing at all

**Author's Note:**

> A songfic inspired by the song The knife in my back by Alec Benjamin
> 
> Listen, if you can't handle how sad this could be, don't read it ok?

He didn't even say goodbye. He just vanished over night. That's what hurt Roman the most. That and the sly grim on Deceit's face when he told them about Virgil. Roman was broken...He couldn't understand why. And for nights after that Thomas was awake, silently crying or having nightmares. It was obvious to everyone that something was wrong, so they made a logical conclusion. It _must_ be Roman. 

The two of his buddies could hear him pacing in his room, or returning from imagination in the godforsaken hours. They could see the state he was in, how his room's light was constantly on, how he refused to eat or drink or even go to the bathroom unless he really must.

Thomas was a wreck. Logan couldn't make plans with Thomas in that state and Patton was always crying. Everything was falling apart. Even their common room seemed to become a little darker every day.

Logan was losing his mind over all the problems he had on his back that even he broke into tears a couple of times. There was just so much pressure and sadness everywhere. But that wasn't the thing that was scaring Logan...It was the numbness that appeared on Patton's face one day.

He wasn't crying, or smiling or even faking happiness. He was just numb. Like he turned off his feelings switch. He looked too much like...like...someone he knew from before. Someone he saw once or twice before Virgil started showing up for the videos. Someone he was scared of.

The next thing that scared Logan were small, but visible marks on Roman's wrists and belly. He didn't get to see those often, but whenever he went to check up on the prince and give him some food, he would help him change into some new clothes. Usually Roman would go to the bathroom and just change there, but on some days Roman doesn't feel like showering, so he let's Logan take care of him, like he is a toddler. Those days Logan checks up as much as he can, those little bruises and scars, before Roman pulls away from him, sensing his intention. This was all too familiar to Logan...He saw this all before

And the last thing that scared Logan, is how much he was feeling compared to others. He was nursing them, like their father, he was scared, of every sound, every crash, every move. He was crying more and more and he never cried this much. But it also scared him when it all hurt. It hurt to see his friends in this state, it hurt to see Thomas in his state and it hurt to not see Virgil snickering from the stairs or Deceit popping in randomly in his room to ask about philosophers and universe or Remus just being Remus...God he was alone before...but never lonely...And now...He feels so lonely. So lost and in pain and he just wants it to stop.

His overthinking was interrupted by a melody he never heard before and a voice barely recognizable from how rusty and sad it sounded. 

Roman couldn't take it anymore. Deceit was sending him notes every day, mocking him for his fears that he knows only Virgil knew about. Virgil betrayed him. But Roman also knew that Virgil could hear his songs. His piano would send his songs throughout the whole place. So he set down and wrote a song. The only way to vent that didn't hurt and he could do. He placed all his feelings on that crappy piece of parer and went to his piano. He needed this. He needed to let it all out. It's been too long.

_I am slowly learning  
That the things you promised me  
Are burning like the embers  
Of a thousand willow trees  
And every single secret  
Has been broadcast like TV  
Now all the threads are severed  
That were tying you to me... _

He could feel the tears falling from his face. He will admit it. He is scared. Scared of so many things. Of the dark. Of losing friends. Of people's opinions of him. Of loneliness. 

_I thought we were friends  
But now we're enemies  
I though we were friends  
But now we're enemies... _

He could hear his floor cracking under someone's feet, the strong smell of cologne gave it away. But he could hear more than one pair of feet. They were nice though. They set down and stayed quiet. His two buddies were just there to listen and probably comfort him after.

_Pull your knife out of my back  
Your blood runs black  
I was just surprised at how you turned on me so fast  
I let you in  
I held you close  
My blood flows like a river ' cause I trusted you the most  
And now I know it's over..._

Logan noticed that Roman's black hoodie looked strangely wet on his belly, but he didn't want to interrupt him. It is important for Roman to vent in his state and Logan won't take that away from him.

_I was so naive  
I even let you in my home  
Took you out for dinner and let you wear my clothes  
I can't even breathe  
I have your scent still in my nose  
It's like I almost miss you  
I should have known... _

Patton would cry if he had any tears left...Instead he stared blankly at Roman, trying to feel again...But the numbness wouldn't go away. It only felt stronger and stronger as second passed. Even Logan could "feel" the about of not caring anymore that was overtaking him. It would be concerning...if he cared...All he knew now was to sit still, wait for a little it more...and it will be over soon.

_I though we were friends  
But now we're enemies  
I though we were friends  
But now we're enemies_

_Pull your knife out of my back  
Your blood runs black  
I was just surprised how you turned on me so fast  
I let you in  
I held you close  
My blood flows like a river 'cause I trusted you the most  
And now I know it's over... _

His hoodie was dripping from the area on his belly and sleeves, but it didn't matter anymore. What is happening to them is what is happening to Thomas outside. The pain was almost nonexistent at this point. Logan just noticed that the room around him is gray...that the imagination outside the windows is just black, empty space and that his and Patton's wrists were bleeding. And that Patton was sleeping. Roman looked like he was about to sleep too...so should he go to sleep as well?

Maybe...That would be a good idea. He is sleepy...

Logan rested his head on Patton's and closed his eyes. Roman slowly dragged himself to his friends and put his head in Logan's lap. He knew. He knew that this was the end of the line. If he could feel, he knew he would cry. He closed his eyes too, ready for the dark. He was no longer scared of it. That's where his friends are...so it can't be that bad...

-Good night, Virgil...

And then...it was dark. Depression entered the room, three bottles of green, yellow and purple glow hanging on his belt. Depression left the room, six bottles of green, yellow, purple, red, light and dark blue glow hanging on his belt. He didn't care. He couldn't care...That they are all gone and that the world around him was slowly turning into nothingness. He set down and sighed. He disappeared too as the lights in the bottles slowly shut down.

And then...it was nothingness...

**Author's Note:**

> *  
> *  
> *  
> *  
> *  
> *  
> *  
> I have no regrets
> 
> Also Logan could recognize the feeling of depression because he showed up a few times before. In my headcanon, Thomas must have head some form of depression before he came out, but not a serious problem with it. So Logan saw and felt depression's touch before but since they never went through the whole process of it, as Thomas' parents and friends accepted him, Logan didn't know much about the feeling, only that it felt familiar.


End file.
